On the day I met Peggy Orenstein, I had escorted one child to her bus stop, ferried another to preschool and chauffeured a third to after-school tennis practice. I went grocery shopping, supervised homework and settled a sibling dispute or two before any blood was spilled. I think there was a meal or two thrown in there somewhere, too.
Before, in between, and after all of that, I wrote a story, responded to phone calls and e-mails, and wound up at an evening lecture by Orenstein.
Some people call that multi-tasking.
I call it Thursday.
My wife has other names for it, such as Monday and Friday. We share in the scheduled chaos of our lives, meaning no one carries the entire load all of the time, although sometimes I guiltily feel like I'm not pulling hard enough on my end of the rope. Some days you could look at our house and wonder if I did anything.
There's nothing particularly extravagant about what we do: kids, jobs, real life.
A lot of people have real lives far more complicated and challenging than ours.
Which is why I was interested in hearing what Orenstein had to say.
She is the author of "Flux: Women on Sex, Work, Love, Kids & Life in a Half-Changed World," in which she interviewed dozens of women (and a few men) around the country. A good portion of the book deals with balancing lives, families and work, which was her topic for the evening when she spoke at the University of Richmond.
These days, finding balance is a hot topic on college campuses and around the office coffee pot. I'm always hearing about symposiums and seminars and experts who can help us achieve such scheduling nirvana.
That's certainly a commendable ambition for everyone involved. But everyone is not involved. Orenstein says the word "balance" generally only applies to women.
"Balance," she said, "is a code word for 'compromise' and 'contradiction.'
"I'm all for balance. But I really want to see more men doing it, too."
The thrust of "Flux" is that while so much has changed, so much hasn't. Women have so many more educational and career opportunities than a generation or two ago, yet they often find themselves boxed in by guilt, fear and "traditional" roles--not to mention a workplace that hasn't changed as much as it would like to think it has.
Having so many choices is a gift and a burden. It leads to all sorts of nagging doubts and a tendency to harshly judge those who choose different paths.
Orenstein's lecture was sponsored by the university's WILL (Women Involved in Living and Learning) and Women's Studies programs, but was open to anyone. Of the 100 people in the audience, fewer than 10 were men. The turnout might have reflected the event's sponsorship or it might just say men aren't much interested in hearing about this topic. Whatever the reason, Orenstein said the audience ratio was typical for wherever she speaks.
After her lecture, Orenstein was chatting with a woman in her 30s. The woman said she recalled her college days when she and her friends would sit around talking about the future. They all wanted three things: careers, children and husbands. But they came to the realistic consensus--which has come true, she said--that they could never have more than two of those at a time.
I'm betting not too many men have had that same discussion.
"When we talk to girls, we say, 'Honey, you can be anything you want!' " Orenstein said. "When we talk to women, we say, 'Honey, you can't have it all!' "
Men generally do not operate under such conflicting guidance--or such guilt and judgment.
Men who do the barest minimum around the house or with the kids are let off the hook--or, worse, exaggeratedly praised--because they are "more involved than their fathers."
Meanwhile, women always operate in comparison with the evil twin icons: "the perfect mother" and "the bad mother." Miss the impossible goal of the former and you risk being labeled the latter.
It oversimplifies the issue to say it's all the fault of men. It's not. Any time there are opportunities, difficult choices have to be made. And that can be painful and frustrating. Fairy tales don't always come true. Not everyone is going to be happy and satisfied.
But changes can be made, attitudes can be altered.
That said, it's difficult to change people who are set in their ways, who don't know any better and don't want to.
A mother in the audience suggested, for example, we need to teach our sons to do laundry at a young age. Her comment got a few laughs. Sometimes it's good to chuckle at the truth.
Obviously, there are all sorts of variables, such as job flexibility, finances and personal preference, but how hard can it be to share the load? No one should be exempted--or want to be--from pitching in at home.
This issue won't be resolved when men figure out where the washing machine lives--as that audience member suggested--but that might be a good start.
