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The other day it happened again. I was on a radio show discussing the impossible standards that women set for themselves as mothers. You know what I mean: how whether we work, stay at home or do some combination of the two, we never feel good enough. How mothers today are expected--and expect themselves--to be developmental psychologists, teachers and playmates for their children, all rolled into one. How we secretly judge other parents who don't meet these impossible standards. How we secretly judge ourselves--and inevitably come up short.

The first caller could only get out "I know just what you mean about the perfect mother..." before tears overwhelmed her. The (male) talk radio host looked alarmed, but I was ready. After all, if there's one thing I learned during the four years I spent talking to women about their dreams, desires, choices and compromises for my book Flux: Women on Sex, Work, Love, Kids, and Life in a Half-Changed World, it's how deep that "perfect mother pressure" runs.

So, to reassure ourselves that we are, indeed, doing a good job, we cling to control and micromanage our children's lives--we're always the ones to pack lunches, choose clothes, book play dates--even as the responsibility for "doing it all" overwhelms us. No wonder women call me up on these radio shows and weep. Of course, in a world where women are still so often made to feel powerless, there is both sweetness and power in the idea that "Mother knows best"--but it comes at a price. To be the perfect mother is to feel exhausted and guilty, and to leave your partner, in turn, feeling like an incompetent parent. During my interviews, women would admit that all the battles with their husbands over household duties weren't entirely their spouse's fault. "I want to put the baby to bed, and yet I want him to do it," admitted a 31-year-old mother in San Francisco. "I want to give the baby a bath, but I want him to do it.... I feel like if my house is messy or my kids don't have clean clothes, people aren't going to judge him; they're going to judge me."

I'm not saying that women create their own problems. There are myriad pressures (pay inequity, workplaces that pretend employees are all childless, inadequate daycare and after-school programs) that conspire to keep women toiling at a second shift in their own homes. But the tender trap of mother management is something we have the power to change right now, in our own lives. As I jokingly advised a new mother who was tempted to correct the way her husband was handling their newborn: Consider whether you still want to be doing that when your child is 10. Yes, stepping in can make us feel a rush of competence, but it also reinforces the idea that when it comes to parenting, our mates are just sidekicks.

Until we reach the point where men feel obliged to struggle as deeply as we do with how to juggle work and home - which, essentially, won't happen until men become mothers, too--we need to make not just economic and cultural changes, but changes in our own psyches. We need to have greater expectations of men and more realistic ones of ourselves. We need to loosen our grip--just a little bit. Most of all, we need to let go of the idea of the perfect mother.

© Peggy Orenstein. All rights reserved.